To my future love, let me love myself first.

Cooloola National Park

I’ve been in a few relationships.
They have all ended.
I got all my closures.
When I look back, I realize how much I’ve changed,
And how much of myself I’ve lost.

I grew more insecure.
I lost the confidence I have in myself.
My self-esteem crashed.
I stopped doing the things that I love, thinking that I was never good at them.
I kept forgetting that I am special.
That I am important.
That I, too, deserve the love that I selflessly give everybody else.
I thought I needed saving.
So, I kept looking for someone who will save me from loneliness.

That’s why, I’m giving myself a break.
I realized that I should be my own superhero.
I should grasp my weaknesses first, and accept them.
Then I should identify my strengths, and improve them.

I should start finding my passion
Which will fill up all these cracks I got from being broken.
And I will be whole… again.

Imperfect, but whole.

Though I’m not saying I will fully love myself after this phase.
Because there will still be days that I won’t.
But I will be stronger. Braver.

I will be able to love again with everything I’ve got.
I will be ready to give my all.
And I will not be scared.

Thus, for now, I’m going to love myself first.
I will embrace my insecurities and flaws.
And when the right time comes, I will love again.
I will face any challenge head-on.
There will still be fights and misunderstandings.
But unlike before, I will not easily give up.

So, to the next person I’m going to love, wait for me.
Let me love myself first, so I can also love you.
On days when I will not understand you.
And even more on days when you can’t love yourself.

My future love, let me love myself first, and when the time is right,
I will be ready for you.

Yours always,
Shen

 

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